It's like they taught us in D.A.R.E., once you experience high of a super edgy fashion shoot for your blog, you'll keep trying to get it back for the rest of your life.
You guys, it's official, I'm old. No, I haven't poured over my crows feet in a magnified mirror, nor have the bf and I gone on another marathon gray hair plucking binge... I simply watched some very popular Youtube vloggers and now I have a migraine.
This was originally going to be a sassy little post about how these fashion vloggers success is simply a reaction to their undeniable attractiveness combined with extreme amounts of sparkly eye shadow that blinds viewers into a catatonic state. Once zombiefied, viewers can do nothing but continue to click on video after video. Haha! Zombies! I was so proud of myself for being that timely and topical in late October! But then it really happened. To me. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Friends, I hate ask this of you but I need to know if I really discovered a major affliction facing today's youth . We owe it to the medical community to test my theory out. I'm not even going to show you a bunch of the vloggers, just one of the biggest and prettiest; otherjuicystar07 . Keep in mind her videos have been viewed over 90 million times. Did I mention she's only like 17? And most of her fans are much, much younger?
We'll start off with an easy one:
You know now that I think of it, the fuzz in my brain might be from her voice and how quickly she can prattle on about things. FYI this next one has her older sister who is also a vlogger. They have recently moved to LA, because they are now "celebrities."
Deep breath in and press play.
Are you still with us? Yes? OK this last one might hurt a little, but if you don't fuss, the nurse will let you choose a toy from the prize bin when it's over:
I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to write anything down here. You're probably slack jawed and drooling out of the side of your mouth, fighting the urge to steal your Dad's credit card and go shopping at Forever 21. The only antidote I've found for this terrible condition is: 1.)Step away from the computer. 2.)Pour yourself a cup of red rooibos tea. 3.)Stare intensely at a copy of Martha Stewart Living- preferably one with pretty pictures of her chickens and/or kale.
But last night I had a nightmare about my wedding. In it, my ceremony was piggybacking on another friend's. Literally people were sticking around in the pews as if it were a double feature at the movies, two for the price of one. I may have also been recycling her bridal party. Somehow I had a dress (which was white and black striped?) but other than that my boyfriend and I were totally unprepared. We hadn't had a rehearsal dinner, there was no one to do my hair, and my bouquet kept wilting/disappearing. I kept asking myself, "Why did we spend Sunday watching all of our DVR'd Dexters??! We should have been writing our vows!!!!"
Now this kind of subconscious freak out might be normal if I was engaged and in the trenches of wedding planning but I'm not. I am however, obsessively addicted to the blog Green Wedding Shoes.
It's pictures like this that make me sad because nothing in my life will ever be so quaint/cute/well thought out. It's hard to admit but I just don't think I'm the kind of girl who looks at an old rusted saltine can and thinks, "What a fetching vase!"
Or, "You know what this reception needs? Flags."
Or, "Even though my bridesmaids are all wearing their own dresses, with my sassy styling they'll still magically coordinate with the ring bearer! And each other! And me!"
PS- As if these pictures didn't make me crazy jealous enough, there's also a video. This one so hipster/cool and full of sweet jams that it hurts, really, really bad. And I watched the whole thing. Twice.
Ok so if you're cutting yourself looking at SweaterCups, you're probably going to pour acid in your face when you see The Cherry Blossom Girl aka CheBleu. Not only is everything she wears big league designers (YSL, Mar Jacobs, Chanel), she also lives in Paris and is only "just out of fashion school." When I graduated college I wore black polyester pants and worked at CPK, but this isn't about me.
Oh mon petite chou, how I wish you could be. But alas, when I gaze into my reflection I am reminded that the front of my head has a colic that keeps me from possessing such fabulous, thick bangs. And that Muleberry bag, while totally on trend, costs more than I (and most of my friends) make in a month. But thanks for letting me gaze longingly at you.
When I traveled to Scotland I drank too many pints and snogged guys who's brogue I couldn't understand. While most of the pictures I took were of the morning after pills they sold in bar bathrooms, I did manage to take a few of the castle and some other old stuff. Not our girl CheBleu, the only pictures she took were herself. And fauna?
and a squirrel. If only Rosetta stone offered courses for people who want to learn how to speak French and become beautifully self involved.
I told a few friends about this new blog idea of mine and asked them to send me the blogs they can't stop compulsively reading while also battling suicidal thoughts. The response was unanimous: Cupcakes and Cashmere. After perusing the blog, I have no idea what they are being so insecure about. This outfit is totally like the yoga pants and hoodie sweatshirt I wear when I pop out of my house for lunch...
Except I don't even do that because I work from home, have very few actual designers duds and am constantly broke.
I feel like I could write tombs about Emily from Cupcakes. While her pictures are like mouthfuls of frosting for my brain, when you stop and think about it her blog is really kind of weird. Her days must revolve around waking up, styling her "beachy waves" and deciding what designer shirt goes with which forever 21 headband. Then she has to scout a location and do a photo shoot with her boyfriend. "Darling, I know you are swamped at work but today's cloud cover goes perfectly with my Elizabeth and James tunic. I'll need you to meet me in front of Tom's Burgers. No time for lunch but you can sustain yourself with the satisfaction that your woman can wear muppet fringe with a straight face. We're so in love! Get a close up of my crotch!!!"
Or maybe he's happy to oblige her with photos because he is smug that he landed the one girl in America who somehow looks cute ALL OF THE TIME. Like even on a moving day!
I wish I had a photo of myself to compare and contrast except I don't because I am a sweaty, dirty mess when I move. NO ONE (especially not my boyfriend) would be even remotely tempted to photograph me in that state. And that's why thanks to good ol' SweaterCups, the next time I'm cleaning my house, I vow to dust while wearing lipstick and a bumpit.
Thanks to a new article in Marie Claire about food bloggers, I was introduced to the "Big Six." Six female food bloggers who spend everyday chronicling what they ate and how much running/yoga/spinning they did to burn it off. And oh yeah, they get have millions of followers commenting on their every post. What?! I was just getting used to reading (and feeling bad about) fashion blogs! Now I have to look longingly at the perfect hummus and nutritional yeast salad that some skinny girl who just took a BodyPump class ate? I should be eating that salad! I need to take that class!! And I definitely want to feel smug and content that I finished off my meal with fresh orange slices (instead of the orange gummy pumpkins I actually ate)!!!
Her vs. Me
Even the lighting in her photos is better! You can see how a gal can start feeling insecure. So, blond, toned, oatmeal eating Kath of katheats.com - can I be you today? I promise to only pour organic rice milk into my french pressed tea while I munch on my properly proportioned snack of 7 raw almonds.
And then can you pretty please tell me what the hell "nutritional yeast" is? Thanks.
The more you know.
